Before I begin this rant, I hope everyone is good mentally because I’ve been at a low for almost a year and refused to write anything so I wouldn’t be forced to face my thoughts. Being true to being a cancer, I ended up keeping my thoughts inside my “shell” with my heart on the frontlines taking most of the impact and that’s not something I wish on anyone.

Moments of clarity come with time, music and a little persuasion from a bottle of something heavy from time to time. So as I sit here and complain about the hamster wheel Ive been running on, in this temporary life, I can’t help but notice I’ve come across the same type of people expecting a new outcome. So here’s my attempt to stop running through life and pace myself a little better when learning to handle pain.

Why is it that I have to “handle” pain instead of just accepting it? Why is that man?

Is my energy really attracting people who are a reflection what I’m putting out when Im here thinking I’m spreading nothing but love ?

Are my intentions so clear that it makes me easy to manipulate? I hope not. That would suck. If so, then I need to stop running back to those who hurt me to help me heal. My toxic habits are becoming harder to break & that’s my downfall that I tried to deny. How do I fix this when I swear my thoughts really cloud my judgement sometimes that I no longer see who or what is good for me..

Time after time I spent hours backtracking and second guessing myself that I lost track of time. I’ve spent the past year stuck on the same question.

IS IT ME? …

I have some serious self reflection to do when it all comes down to it, as to when I’ll do that I’m more unsure than the worlds plan with Covid.

I’m trying to figure out what it means to be me. I’m having even harder time trying to get others to understand me. Again.

I have a message and I have a vision, yet my purpose has been lost so it’s been hard to move forward when I’m dragging along all my past baggage, demons and stress to the present.

Fuck man..

I’ve confided in those who never listened. Trusted those who played with my kindness. Loved hard enough to never want to do it again, so now I’m at a point where Im sure Waldo is a representation of my heart and I’m waiting for someone to spend the time to find it.

Find me.

It is what it is though, so with purpose. With love. With faith. Patience & honesty I’ll do my best to move forward. I’m not without flaws, but I’m working on my level up as best as I can, fighting all those demons I dragged with me alone, which makes it 10x harder though.

Maybe I’m tripping, too selfish, self centered & too focused on my anxiety to check myself in the times I need to the most because of those demons?

I mean my eyes are open to the demons in my head but too blind to see my own actions and naive enough to think I don’t deserve any consequences.

The audacity.. The downfall of living in my head during Covid I suppose.

I’m rambling, so I’ll just end it here but I’m back to feeling confident enough to write more. Writing is art that feel many don’t appreciate. To be real, I wish I could go back to when I used to write in a notebook with no backspace key to delete the thoughts I think people won’t understand, just forcing myself to read my feelings..

I hope Covid doesn’t have any of you down and out worried about the things out of your control. Wear your masks, stay blessed. I’ll be back, in the mean time don’t let people’s words hurt you along the way.