I put my life in reverse at times & I dig up all my old pain and focus on healing it so overall I can change my emotional well being; Sad part is people will laugh when you’re being positive. That’s crazy, people really want to see you down & out. The delusion. The nerve.. the audacity of those who attempt to bring you down because of their own actions / short comings in life.

But like 6lack said, “I got a daughter to raise, one day she gon’ be a queen. I’m tryna get s—t together, so she can have anything.”

So as much as I’m doing things for me it’s really for her life to be easier.

Okay anyways;

At the end of the day when I have a moment to myself I’m always in my head, about myself; if that makes any sense? Not in a bad way, just in a deep, progressive; thought. What are my next moves? Long term goals, issues to overcome, books I want to read, did I eat? Workout? Call my family? Pray? Pay my bills? etc.

You need to keep things in front of you to face them head on.

I love myself and I still question some of my actions, (but I learn, never regret them) I push myself and fall back to old issues, I cry tears of joy and hunch over at the pain of life. It’s normal. I believe in myself whole heartedly but I make time to listen to the lies too. I get criticized from strangers and adapt, love from family that is unmatched and I don’t stress over making or even maintaining friendships. I found love, lost love and stopped looking for it because I’ll share life with someone eventually.

Guess I’m in a good place of…. limbo?

I can’t find a word for it but Im getting older & going out is gettin’ old…

(6lack references on deck today)

So I know for a fact I love to go to the beach right before a sunset just to stare at the sun reflecting off the ocean & the waves are mesmerizing, its truly beautiful. In those moments i know that I need to keep trying for my goals , I must keep trying the same thing over and over because it’ll never come to “shore” in the same spot, so it doesn’t matter how many times I fail my attempts, I’ll pull myself together and go for it again and again, I’ll either succeed or it’ll just be a new lesson; but first I need to work on being as relentless as the waves crashing to shore. It’s obstacle is LITERALLY the world; yet it keeps on going and shapes the world many different ways. It’s way.

Relentlessly.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before BUT You ever just sit and think about life or talk about life with random people??

— I swear those are the best conversations to have because you tend to open up more on life and speak your truth freely because sometimes you just get tired of living it; besides you know these are people with zero connection to you and are less likely to have an bias opinion. So why not? At the end of it all, all you end up doing is reflect on the bad, the crazy, the blessings and everything in between.

& smile; because Honesty, clarity & being heard is good for your mental health. & that’s something I’ve been big on as of late.

insert random non traditional/rhyming free verse poem below..

(if you must know free verse isn’t supposed to rhyme)

—

Im ready to continue this race but first you have to pass me the baton so I can win… or better yet; stampede to this finish line of love.. I’m ready

Better yet, this journey; isn’t a race and it isn’t a war so let’s forget what we were fighting for before it happens and let’s fight toward something more…. everlasting; or I can’t see this lasting.

—

People are always on the go, and I know because I’m in that category too, Never resting or taking time for self; but I read a quote and it’s simple..

“Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was just breathe”

Okay last thing I’ll speak on is

*self evaluation* or situations.

Starting with “situations”

I know my situation is too much to sit on for some, but I embrace it, can’t run from things that aren’t going away so I low key speak to the people I think highly of about it to keep my mind level. — Another big change is in route for better or maybe for worse, who knows but this isn’t the time to get complacent or should I say situated, so I I’ll leave it in an higher power hands.

As far as self evaluation; you know when I was putting my life in reverse a while back I also noticed that throughout my childhood, teenage years & part of my adult life I had adopted some anger, forgave some lies, drifted into peace, fed my share of bullshit, dealt with other people’s pain and witnessed time reveal its truths; and life continued to help me grow into something better today it’s all a process & one hell of a journey to fix.

It’s not easy;

Sometimes you have to hope your ex’s are happy and healthy, hope old friends are doing good, hope everyone who’s ever done you wrong learned a lesson from it, anyone I hurt – I apologize, because at the end of it all, forgiveness is all that matters when you’re trying to receive blessings in life; but you have to first acknowledge your mistakes.

Alright I’m rambling again since “I’ve gotten good at letting good things go. I get uncomfortable, when things get comfortable, cause I’m so used to watching good things leave, so pardon me, it’s just apart of me”

Few more days and I’m cutting ties with Fort Lee, VA & back to Cali! Y’all stay blessed.

(Also I recommend this book called Unfu*k Yourself by Gary John Bishop, no link here because I’m not getting paid for this shoutout aha)